Great Fun

Today was Trick-or-Treat day at work. For the first time in the two years that I’ve worked here, my kids weren’t part of it. I tried not to let it bother me, but by 4:40, I’d had enough. My kids loved trick-or-treating here. Hopefully next weekend they can come back for it =(

Tonight starts my time without them. I wish I had something to keep me busy, but so far I really don’t have anything going on until I pick them back up for their friend’s party on Saturday. My friend invited me to go trick-or-treating with her and her daughter tomorrow night, and I probably will, but it just sucks not being with them. I’m told it’ll get easier though.

Only Wednesday

So it hit me yesterday that Friday is Halloween. I mean I knew it was Halloween, but since I’m not the one rushing around getting the kids’ stuff together for it, I guess it didn’t really strike me that it’s Halloween. He has them because 1. it’s the weekend, and 2. it’s his dad’s birthday. I’m not sure I really like the idea of being without them on Halloween. It’s going to be weird. I know I’m not staying home, because I’m too afraid of someone doing something or whatever seeing as how I’m not passing out candy because 1. I have none and 2. I’m not going up and down my stairs a 1000 times in one night. My Mom suggested I go out with my friends, but that’s easier said than done for her rather than me. All my friends either have kids or are already going to a party or something. My friend at work wanted me to go to a party with her, but I don’t like going places where I don’t know anyone, and plus I don’t have a costume. My friend said I’m welcome to go to her parents with her and take her daughter trick-or-treating, and I probably will, but I’m almost wondering if that’s going to be even harder. I guess time will tell.

The kids did not want to get moving this morning. I can understand Libby because she was up late last night doing her homework. I told them from now on they need to do it at his parents, and if they have a problem, I can help them or he can help them once we get them. Even Lexi was up late doing hers. Normally she zips right through it because she’s too smart for her own good, but last night it was taking her a while. I said something to her, and she said that ever since she bumped her head, she can’t remember things. This was the first I heard about this. So I asked what she was talking about and she said that she was playing at daddy’s and hit her head. Obviously it must have been quite a bump if she’s saying she can’t remember things. For now I’m just going to brush it off because she never said anything before, but I’m going to keep my eye on her just the same.

It feels like it should be so much later than Wednesday. What a long, slow week…hope it picks up speed soon.

It is Tuesday, Right?

I should have stayed home today. This day is just already going to hell in a hand basket. It started last night. I couldn’t sleep for anything and then Katy insisted on sleeping with me because she was afraid of the garbage truck coming in the middle of the night. Then it was one dream after another, none of them good, of course. I tossed and turned and tossed and turned, and just I don’t know. The last time I remember looking at the clock it was 1 and then my alarm went off.

I am so tired today, and still have the dreams running through my head. Then today the girls were slow as molasses getting ready. Then Libby had a meltdown because her hair didn’t look just right. She’s only 8. Can this really be starting already?? I got it fixed for her, but she mentioned something about a girl in her class making fun of her and her teacher getting upset with her, so I guess I’m going to have to say something at her conference next week.

With the way this morning went, I really wish I had my kids Monday through Friday. It would make the morning go so much smoother, but this is what was best to keep them at the same schools. I have a feeling I’m going to end up having to pay tuition, though, before this whole thing is done, and if I do, I’ll pull them and put them in a local private school rather than pay for public school. Other than that, though, everything is going smoothly. We went grocery shopping last night and got home, had a nice sit down dinner, got baths, and went to bed. It was a good night…until what I mentioned above. Hopefully today goes by quickly and we can go to girl scouts and get home and get a good night’s sleep.

Lucky Me

I’m not even in the house anymore, and I’m finding myself having to defend myself. Yes Larry is a good man. He’s a hard worker, he’s going to school to better educate himself, and he loves his kids. I never said he wasn’t a good man. He just wasn’t the right man for me. I do know how good I had it, but it wasn’t enough to make my happy. I have it good now, too. I am happy on my own. I am not sitting all alone in my place crying my eyes out, I’m happy. I am happy to sit and listen to my kids play with each other and read to each other. I am happy to work on things around the house and get things done I need to get done. I never said he was in the wrong, and I never said I was in the wrong. I just wasn’t happy anymore and I was seeing things and hearing things from my kids that I didn’t like, and things weren’t getting better, so I had to do something. I’m not saying what I did was right or wrong, but I can already see a positive difference in my kids when they’re with me, and that means more than anything to me.

I’m not sure what Lexi (it’s spelled L-E-X-I) said to her dad, but as far as I know she wasn’t in trouble. We spent the night at my Mom’s on Saturday and she was with my Mom’s mother-in-law, as my mom had an unexpected Halloween Party to go to and I was at an 80’s Party at my church. Barb (my mom’s mother-in-law) loves the girls like they were her own grandchildren, and they all woke up smiling and happy on Sunday, so I can’t for the life of me figure out what could have been so wrong that he’d have to run out and help/save them. I got home at 10:21 and checked on them and they were fine and sleeping, so who know.

I’m glad to hear he’s finally done with me. It’s about time. I’m not sure what I did that he has no respect for me, but whatever. Friday night I was with my family at a football game and playing cards, Saturday I was at church and Sunday I was with my family, so whatever is wrong with that, I have no idea. I do know what a marriage is about, and it’s not for me. I will be the first to admit that we never should have gotten married six years ago. It was a mistake from the start, and if I could take it back I would, but I can’t. So now it’s on to a new chapter in my life. He’s going to do what it takes to better himself, and I am doing the same. I finally graduated from Tri-State, I have an awesome job that I actually look forward to going to everyday, and I have three beautiful girls who love me and I love more than the world. It doesn’t get much better than that!!!

As for the collection bills, they’re all paid off and have been paid off, and it takes real TACT to post that all over the internet. So Larry, you can rise against all you want, but the only one you’re hurting is yourself and your kids. It’s your call.

Frustrated

It’s Friday, yippee yee haw. I hate Fridays. That means a whole weekend I have to spend with him, and I don’t know, I just can’t do it anymore. Last night I was making dinner and stuff and the girls were all fighting and crying and I just lost it. I started crying myself. I wish I would have stuck with my original plan and just moved out when I said I was going to move out and be done with it. Instead I thought I’d try to make my family and my kids happy, and instead I’m miserable.

Last night after I got dinner on the table I had to run to the store to get something I needed for my food I had to make for work this morning. I had everyone sitting down to eat and grabbed my purse and keys to run out. He has a holy meltdown over it saying he’s leaving and bla bla bla. I was like, I’m just running to the store. What is your problem? It was ridiculous. He had the kids flipping out, me pissed off, and it was just a mess.

Katy’s costume came in the mail yesterday. It’s a Belle costume and he got it at Penneys. Of course she wanted to try it on as soon as she got it. I was putting it on her and caught site of the tag, $60. For a Halloween costume? Seriously? Rediculous!!! Wonder if he paid that mortgage yet.
In case ya couldn’t tell, I’m not in the best mood today. I didn’t sleep well last night because I kept getting woke up with stupid questions and then I guess I just had too much on my mind or something because I just couldn’t sleep, I don’t know. I’ve been spending a lot of time chatting with my friends the last couple days and just doing a lot of thinking, and I don’t know. Just trying to sort everything out I guess. It’s frustrating.

Why Is This Day Not Over Yet

EVER BEEN GIVEN AN ENGAGEMENT Ring?
Yep
2. LONGEST RELATIONSHIP?Too long
3. LAST GIFT YOU RECEIVED?A Rose I think
4. EVER DROPPED A CELL PHONE?My cell phone is beat up
5. WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU WORKED OUT?Yesterday
6. THING(S) YOU SPEND A LOT OF MONEY ON?Shoes
7. LAST FOOD YOU ATE?3 Musketeers Fun Bar
8. FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX?Eyes and smile...
9. ONE FAVORITE SONG?Higher by Sugarland
10. WHERE DO YOU LIVE?Millcreek
11. HIGH SCHOOL YOU ATTENDED:General McLane
12. CELL PHONE SERVICE PROVIDER:Verizon
13. FAVORITE MALL STORE:Lerner’s
14. LONGEST JOB YOU HAD:Erie Insurance
15. DO YOU OWN A PAIR OF DICE?I think...
16. DO YOU PRANK CALL PEOPLE?:Nah...
17. LAST WEDDING YOU ATTENDED:My Aunt Susan’s I think
18. FIRST FRIEND YOU'D CALL IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY:I’d probably call my mom and send out a mass text
19. LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR BEST FRIEND:Not sure
20. FAVORITE FAST FOOD RESTAURANT:McDonalds
21. BIGGEST LIE YOU HAVE EVER HEARD:Again, it’s a toss up
23. WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO EAT WITH FRIENDS?Buffalo Wild Wings
24. CAN YOU COOK?Absolutely!
25. WHAT CAR DO YOU DRIVE?:Ford Explorer XLT
26. BEST KISSER:I don’t kiss & tell
27. LAST TIME YOU CRIED?:Last Night
28. MOST DISLIKED FOODS:I’ll try anything once
29. THING YOU LIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF:My hair
30. THING YOU DISLIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF:Ugh...where do I begin?!?!?
31. LONGEST SHIFT YOU HAVE WORKED AT A JOB?:I worked 14 hours the one time and didn’t get paid for it
32. FAVORITE MOVIE?Goodfellas
33. CAN YOU SING?I love karaoke
34. LAST CONCERT ATTENDED?I saw Jeff Dunham, but not sure that’s really a concert. Probably Dierks Bentley or Kenny Chesney
35. LAST KISS?Again, I don’t kiss and tell
36. LAST MOVIE RENTED:Gosh I don’t even know
37. ONE THING YOU NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT:My cell
38. FAVORITE vacation spotThe Beach
39. LAPTOP OR DESKTOP COMPUTER?:Laptop
40. FAVORITE COMEDIAN?:Jeff Dunham
41. DO YOU SMOKE?Not anymore
42. SLEEP WITH OR WITHOUT CLOTHES?With at all times
43. WHO SLEEPS WITH YOU EVERY NIGHT?:Depends on the night
44. DO LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS WORK?:Nope
45. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN PULLED OVER BY THE POLICE?Once (knock on wood)
46. PANCAKES OR FRENCH TOAST?French Toast
47. DO YOU LIKE COFFEE?:Nope
48. HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?Over Easy if at all
49. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY?:I read it for fun...
50. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?:Tami
51. LAST PERSON ON YOUR MISSED CALL LIST?:Larry (oops)
52. WHAT WAS THE LAST TEXT MESSAGE YOU RECIEVED?:That’s empty, too53. NUMBER OF PILLOWS?:1
54. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW?:Hoodie, jeans, socks & crocs
55. PICK A LYRIC, ANY LYRIC:I’m looking for attention not another question
56. WHAT KIND OF JELLY DO YOU LIKE ON YOUR PB & J?:Strawberry
57. CAN YOU PLAY POOL?:Yep
58. CAN YOU SWIM?Like a fish
59. FAVORITE ICE CREAM?:Moose Tracks
60. DO YOU LIKE MAPS?I do actually
61. TELL ME A RANDOM FACT ABOUT YOURSELF:I moved 11 times in 13 years
62. EVER ATTEND A THEME PARTY?:Um...I was a Sigma Kappa lmao
63. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASONSpring
64. LAST TIME YOU LAUGHED AT SOMETHING STUPID?Today I'm sure
65. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP THIS MORNING ?About 5 or 6AM
66. BEST THING ABOUT WINTER?:Sweaters and Boots
67. LAST TIME A COP GAVE YOU A TICKET?:Never (knock on wood)
68. NAME OF YOUR FIRST PET?:Bobo
69. DO YOU THINK PIRATES ARE COOL OR OVERRATED?:Whatever...I'm all about the cowboys! lol
70. WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS WEEKEND??Sleeping
71. BIRTHDATE4.21.
72. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE:I have no clue
73. ARE YOU ON A LAPTOP?:no
74. ARE YOU SMILING?:Not at the moment
75. DO YOU MISS SOMEONE RIGHT NOWYep
76. IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD WHERE WOULD YOU GO?Away lol
77. ARE YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL?:No Thank God!
78. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?:Doesn’t everyone?
79. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NAME?Ainslee for a girl and Dane for a boy
80. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHING SUIT?:Striped
81. DOES YOUR SCHOOL START IN AUGUST?:I'm not in school anymore :(
82. DID YOU GO ON VACATION LAST MONTH?:Nope
83. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A CRUISE?:Nope
84. DO YOU HAVE A SISTERYep
85. ARE YOU UPSTAIRS?:Nope
86. ARE YOU IN LOVE?:Serious Like
87. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN THE HOSPITAL?Yep
88. DO YOU WISH YOU COULD SEE ANYONE PARTICULAR RIGHT NOW?I can =)
89. WHAT JEWELRY ARE YOU WEARING?None
90. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO AFTER THIS SURVEY?Work

Yawn

Can I just start this off by saying I am so tired. I did my usual Wednesday routine of going out with my mom and her friends. As usual, I got a little carried away and got home a little late. He was not impressed. I said I was sorry and he seemed fine. I thought it was odd, but I just wanted to go to sleep. So I go to bed and I find out why he was fine, he wanted a piece. Yea, nice try. Told him to back off and then the real Larry came out. He started yelling and carrying on. He said everything was off and he was done and he was selling all our tickets today. I told him he could sell my ticket if he wanted, but he wasn’t going to sell everyone else’s tickets because that it not punishing me, that is punishing them. He has gotten me to the point that I don’t want to go home ever. After work, after shopping, after being out, anytime.

Gonna Be A Long Night

My husband made the comment last night that he wants me and loves me and wants this marriage and doesn’t understand how I can’t just latch on to that and work at it. Funny thing is, ten plus years ago, I would have. I would have latched on to that and cherished it for all it was worth and probably let him use me until the cows came home, but I guess this just shows me that I’ve grown because I’m not doing that. I don’t know if things are just too far gone or if I’m just finally seeing him for who he is or what, but I can’t do it. I can’t pretend. My feelings for him have been gone for I don’t know how long. I know I almost left him before my Mom got married, and that was 7 years ago, and I know the day Katy was conceived, and there wasn’t any love that day either. I’ve been putting on a front/show for a long time, and it’s almost like I”ve done it for so long, I don’t know how to stop now. I don’t know if I’m scared or what, but I know what I want and what I have to do to get it, just scared to start, I guess. It’s been almost 23 months since I told him I don’t love him and my feelings haven’t changed a bit, yet I’m still there. Everyday is a fight, everyday I dread going home, and we won’t even get started on once the kids are in bed.

Today he sent me an email at work asking me to go to lunch on Monday. I told him I wasn’t sure yet. You asked if I had plans. I told him I may be swamped at work. He then told me Wednesday or Friday was an option as well. I explained that I wouldn’t know how I’d be until that day. He told me I meant busy, right. I knew that was a throw back to last night, so I told him I wasn’t having this discussion right now. I thought he was going to leave it at that. He said it wasn’t a discussion and if I was going to be that way then fine (in the tone of a 4 yr old). He said he was offering to go to lunch and that he was sorry to bug and that next time he will send me a Facebook question about lunch (cyberstalker). I told him he was a funny guy (sorry but I didn’t feel like putting up with his shit), and he pointed out that I had time for that during work time so he thought that might be the best way. (yea blood pressure was boiling) At that point he continued his hissy fit and said he’s not going to talk anymore today about his offer for lunch because he got attitude and that is the truth (did anyone say it was a lie?). I told him I was on lunch when I was on and he gives me the time stamp of something I did. Again, stalker! At that point he just kept emailing me that he didn’t want this discussion (thought it wasn’t a discussion) and that he was done with it and that he offered lunch and that’s all.

Can’t wait to get home and be around him tonight…..anyone have an open room for the night???

What A Night

OMG I am so tired. Last night was unreal. I got home and started dinner, like the good little wifey I am supposed to be. Then I remembered that I wanted to post the touchy feely thing before I forgot because I knew by this morning everything I wanted to say would be gone. So I multi-tasked and posted that, made dinner, got the girls settled and what not. I got everything done, everyone ate, and whatever.

So once dinner was done I had some orders to process, so I hopped on to do that. Avon’s site was taking forever, so I checked my Facebook & MySpace while I was waiting on their site. I ended up finding a ton of people on the two sites that I was friends with in college!!! So that got me texting my “big sister,” and it all just went downhill from there, lol.

So I finished up online, got the girls a bath and started folding/putting laundry away. Good God you would have thought it was the end of the World. He comes up trying to help, which I didn’t want because I just wanted to fold laundry, watch some TV, and put the laundry away so I could go to bed. Yea no he has to start talking. Never a good thing. He wants to know if I’m in a better mood than I was yesterday morning. Um, I wasn’t in a bad mood yesterday morning. He says because I was storming through the house turning things off. Yea I did because I was listening to my satellite radio and you shut it off because I wasn’t in the room listening to it. Um, hello, I had it loud enough so I could hear it upstairs. I was just doing it to piss you off, lol. So then he starts asking about my day and work and stuff and I gave him short little answers because sorry, but I don’t want to talk to him. I told him I am busy all day at work and that I don’t have time. So he says “You don’t have time for me?” I wasn’t even paying attention and said No I don’t. Yea that went over like a ton of bricks. We got in a big huge fight over it to where I explained that I have nothing to talk to him about, my feelings for him have not changed, and I’m just doing whatever it takes to get through each day. He didn’t like that and we fought some more, but it didn’t stop him from trying to get a piece yet again. I could have killed him.

Eventually it just came down to my begging him to just go to sleep. He eventually did, but not before driving me insane. I got little to no sleep and have been up off and on since 4 trying to wake him up since he had to be out of town for work this morning. He kept reminding me last night that he had to be up and out of the house at 4 and bla bla bla. Yea, he was out of the house by 7 if he was lucky, and by no fault of my own. I’ve never wanted to stay in bed so badly as I did this morning. I got up, though, got my kids’ lunches together, packed their bags, and got out the door in a timely fashion….now I’m at work, enjoying my peace and quiet away from him and everything that goes with it. With any luck it will continue long into tonight, as it’s Wednesday, my day and my night away from him =)